2008-6-19 14:13
jessicatsang
[color=Blue][size=2][b]Monkey Business
A policeman took a monkey to his boss. The boss asked,"What kind of monkey business are you getting up to? He said, "This monkey was wandering on the streets, not following any of the rules. I'm turning him in. The boss said, "Oh, my God! You're so dumb! If you catch a monkey, you have to take it to the zoo. Why bring it to me. Take it to the zoo!" So the policeman took the monkey out. Three or four days later, he was seen again, holding the monkey's hand. He took the monkey to the police car, opened the door,put it in, and was about to drive away. The boss saw this, ran out, and asked, "Oh, my God! How come the monkey is still here? I told you to take it to the zoo. "The policeman replied, "Yes, sir. I've already taken him to the zoo. Today, I'm taking him to see a movie. [/b][/size][/color]
胡闹
有位警察大哥带了只猴子给他上司看，他上司就说他：“你搞什么 猴子把戏？”警察大哥说：“这猴子在大街上到处乱跑，什么法律都 不懂，我把它捉了回来，治它的罪。”上司说：“天啊天，你怎么那 么笨？捉到猴子就把它带到动物园去嘛，带给我干嘛？带它到动物园 去。”后来那警察大哥就带了猴子出去了。 三、四天后还看见他跟猴子手拉手打开警察车门让猴子坐进去，正准备开 车，他上司跑了出来说他：“天啊，为什么到现在还把猴子留在这儿，我不 是叫你把它带到动物园去的吗？为什么还在这儿？”警察大哥：“我有呀！ 我已经带它去了动物园，今天带它去看电影！”
2008-6-19 15:27
strawberry1984
很好!!
可以轻松
又可以学英语
2008-6-20 08:41
jessicatsang
[color=Blue][size=2][b]The Looney Bin
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"[/b][/size][/color]
疯人院
一天晚上，在疯人院里，一个病人说："我是拿破仑！
"另一个说："你怎么知道？"
第一个人说："上帝对我说的！"
一会儿，一个声音从另一个房间传来："我没说！"
2008-6-20 08:45
jessicatsang
[color=Blue][b]美军作战条例（搞笑）
1.You are not a superman.
你不是超人。
2. If it＇s stupid but works, it isn＇t stupid.
如果一个蠢方法有效,那它就不是蠢方法。
3.Don＇t look conspicuous －－it draws fire.（This is why aircraft carriers are called″Bomb Mag nets″.）
不要太显眼,因为那会引人攻击（这就是航母被称为“炸弹磁铁”的原因）。
4.Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
别和比你勇敢的战友躲在同一个弹坑里。
5.Never forget that the lowest bidder made your weapon.
别忘了你手上的武器是由出价最低的承包商制造的。
6. If your attack is going really well, it＇s an ambush.
如果你的攻击进行得很顺利,那一定是中了圈套。
7. No plan survives the first contact intact.
没有任何计划能在遇敌后继续执行。
8.All five －second grenade fuses will burn down in three seconds.
所有5秒的手榴弹引线都会在3秒内烧完。
9.Try to look unimportant because bad guys may be low on ammo.
装成无关紧要的人,因为敌人的弹药可能不够了（所以他会先打重要的人）。
10.The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
那支你不加注意的敌军部队其实是攻击的主力。
11.The important things are always simple.
重要的事总是简单的。
12.The simple things are always hard.
简单的事总是难以做到。
13.The easy way is always mined.
好走的路总会被布雷。
14. If you are short of everything except enemy, you are in combat.
如果你除了敌人以外什么都缺,那你一定是在交战中。
15.Incoming fire has the right of way.
来的子弹有优先通行权（挡它的道你就倒大霉啦）。
16. If the enemy is in range, SO ARE YOU！
如果敌人在你的射程内,别忘了,你也在他的射程内。
17.Body count mathis：two guerillas plus two cats＝37en emies killed in action.
歼敌数计算法：两名游击队员加两只猫,本次战斗共毙敌37人。
18.Things that must be together to work usually can＇t be shipped together.
要一起用才能生效的装备通常不会一起运来。
19.Radio＇s will fail as soon as you need fire support desperately.
无线电总会在你急需火力支援时断掉。
20.Anything you do can get you shot －－including doing nothing.
你做的任何事都可能令你挨枪子儿———什么都不做也一样。
21.The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
惟一比敌方炮火还准确（而且会杀掉你的）是友军的炮火。
22.Professional soldiers are predictable but the world is full of amateurs.
专业的士兵的行为是可以预测的,但世上却充满了菜鸟。[/b][/color]
2008-6-20 11:10
zqz01992
most of then are quite funny,wish more:)
2008-6-20 18:30
jessicatsang
[quote]原帖由 [i]zqz01992[/i] 于 2008-6-20 11:10 发表 [url=http://bbs.fobshanghai.com/redirect.php?goto=findpost&pid=15530683&ptid=1137925][img]http://bbs.fobshanghai.com/images/common/back.gif[/img][/url]
most of then are quite funny,wish more:) [/quote]
That's enough.
2008-6-21 09:17
jessicatsang
便宜的停车方式
[color=Blue][size=2][b][color=Black]A businessman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The businessman replied, Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?" [/color][/b][/size][/color]
[[i] 本帖最后由 jessicatsang 于 2008-6-21 14:55 编辑 [/i]]
2008-6-21 15:00
jessicatsang
[color=Blue][size=2][b]Laziest man最懒的人
A site foreman (工头，领班）had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced.
"Will the laziest man please put his hand up." Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble," came the reply. [/b][/size][/color]
2008-6-22 20:14
zp19840315
謝謝分享！！！！！！
2008-6-23 09:05
mangguohui
[quote]原帖由 [i]jessicatsang[/i] 于 2008-6-21 15:00 发表 [url=http://bbs.fobshanghai.com/redirect.php?goto=findpost&pid=15568245&ptid=1137925][img]http://bbs.fobshanghai.com/images/common/back.gif[/img][/url]
Laziest man最懒的人
A site foreman (工头，领班）had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy ... [/quote]
:hug: :$ 愉快的工作又开始了:P
2008-6-23 09:19
mangguohui
[quote]原帖由 [i]jessicatsang[/i] 于 2008-6-20 08:41 发表 [url=http://bbs.fobshanghai.com/redirect.php?goto=findpost&pid=15521712&ptid=1137925][img]http://bbs.fobshanghai.com/images/common/back.gif[/img][/url]
The Looney Bin
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!"
Just then, a voice ... [/quote]
;P ;P :lol :lol 超级搞笑哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈
2008-6-23 11:11
jessicatsang
[color=Blue][size=2][b]Columbus's Telephone Number
Little Mary: I find in my history book there is always such
number (1451--1560) after the name Christopher Columbus. Would you please explain why, sir?
Little Rose: I can tell her, sir. It was Columbus's telephone number. [/b][/size][/color]
哥伦布的电话号码
小玛丽：我在历史书中发现，克里斯托。哥伦布这个名字后老是有(1451-1560)这几个数字，老师，请您给解释一下好吗？
小罗斯：老师，我能告诉她。那是哥伦布的电话号码。
2008-6-23 13:38
dajun20042003
very good ,I just find this column today ,:D
2008-6-23 17:20
jessicatsang
[color=DarkRed][size=2][b]
Ever Go Fishing?
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed; however, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked.
"Uhhh, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"
[/b][/size][/color]
[[i] 本帖最后由 jessicatsang 于 2008-6-23 17:23 编辑 [/i]]
2008-6-24 07:56
Spring!
第三个根本就没什么意思，看不懂:L
2008-6-24 11:04
jessicatsang
[quote]原帖由 [i]Spring![/i] 于 2008-6-24 07:56 发表 [url=http://bbs.fobshanghai.com/redirect.php?goto=findpost&pid=15621697&ptid=1137925][img]http://bbs.fobshanghai.com/images/common/back.gif[/img][/url]
第三个根本就没什么意思，看不懂:L [/quote]
你是說這個嗎 ????
g.w.bush: doctor, what is wrong with my brain?
doctor: your brain is perfectly ok.
w.bush: how come?
doctor: you are the same as everybody else, having right brain and lift brain.
w.bush: and?
doctor: but yours is even far better than all the others.
w.bush: oh?
doctor: yes, sir, everybody’s brain is not seperated so perfect. but yours is an exception.
w.bush: tell me how could it be an exception, not because I am the head of USA. I hope.
doctor: sir, your brain is really seperated completely, there is nothing right in your left brain, and there is nothing left in your right brain.
2008-6-24 18:50
jessicatsang
[color=Blue][size=2][b]Tie&water 绳子和水
A man was crawling across the Desert dying of thirst, when a camel raced up and stopped. An Arab jumped down, opened a suitcase and said, "Would you like to buy a tie?"
"No,"said the man, 'I need water, do you have water?'
'No,' said the Arab,' but I do have a wonderful selection of ties.' He rode off, and the unfortunate man continued crawling across the hot sand until he came to a beautiful Hotel. He crawled up the step, crying: 'Water! Water!'
The Manager approached him and said, 'I'm sorry Sir, you can't come in here without a Tie!' [/b][/size][/color]
2008-6-25 16:07
寒雪樱子
第三个里seperate 应该是separate吧
2008-6-27 09:09
jessicatsang
[color=Blue][size=3]New Rules For Employment[/size][/color]
[color=DarkRed][size=2]SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. [/size][/color]
2008-6-27 09:09
jessicatsang
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
2008-6-27 09:10
jessicatsang
[color=DarkRed][size=3]RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''A'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''B'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you''''''''''''''''re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees'''''''''''''''' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open. [/size][/color]
2008-6-27 09:11
jessicatsang
[color=Blue][size=3]PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:
Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma''''''''''''''''am tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union don''''''''''''''''ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous $113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry $12.09 ------- Net Take Home Pay $0.02[/size][/color]
2008-6-27 09:11
jessicatsang
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
The Management
2008-7-15 09:32
mangguohui
stop？？？can you continue to do it haha;P :$ :P
2008-7-26 16:30
jessicatsang
[quote]原帖由 [i]mangguohui[/i] 于 2008-7-15 09:32 发表 [url=http://bbs.fobshanghai.com/redirect.php?goto=findpost&pid=16229822&ptid=1137925][img]http://bbs.fobshanghai.com/images/common/back.gif[/img][/url]
stop？？？can you continue to do it haha;P :$ :P [/quote]
TKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT .I FORGOT IT .SORRY
2008-7-27 11:33
wolf7706
[quote]原帖由 [i]jessicatsang[/i] 于 2008-5-17 10:55 发表 [url=http://bbs.fobshanghai.com/redirect.php?goto=findpost&pid=14567874&ptid=1137925][img]http://bbs.fobshanghai.com/images/common/back.gif[/img][/url]
Little brother: I saw you kiss my elder sister, and if you don't give me a nickel I'll tell my father.
Sister's boyfriend: No, don't do that. Here's a nickel.
Little brother: That makes a ... [/quote]
ok,but i think if u r the sister,ur little brother will earn much more money.
:lol :lol :lol
2008-7-27 11:35
wolf7706
hi,jessica,have u remembered me ever.
2008-8-6 11:49
jessicatsang
[b][u][color=blue]I Wasn't Asleep[/color][/u][/b]
[b][u][color=#0000ff][/color][/u][/b]
[color=blue] [size=3] When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!"[/size][/color]
[size=3][color=blue] "I wasn't asleep," the man answered.[/color][/size]
[size=3][color=blue] "Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed."[/color][/size]
[size=3][color=blue] "I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car."[/color][/size]
[color=darkred][/color]
[color=darkred][/color]
[color=darkred] 我没有睡着[/color]
[color=darkred] 当一群妇女上车之后，车上的座位全都被占满了。售票员注意到一名男子好象是睡着了，他担心这个人会坐过站，就用肘轻轻地碰了碰他，说：“先生，醒醒！”[/color]
[color=darkred] “我没有睡着。”那个男人回答。[/color]
[color=darkred] “没睡着？可是你眼睛都闭上了呀？”[/color]
[color=darkred] “我知道，我只是不愿意看到在拥挤的车上有女士站在我身边而已。”[/color]
2008-8-6 11:50
jessicatsang
[size=3][color=blue]The poor husband
"You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "[/color][/size]
[size=3][color=blue][/color][/size]
[size=3][color=blue]She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why [/color][/size]
[size=3][color=blue][/color][/size]
[size=3][color=blue]my answer is wrong.[/color][/size]
可怜的丈夫
“你根本无法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的难，”一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说，“她问我一个问题，然后自己回答了，过后又花半个小时跟我解释为什么我的答案是错的。”
2008-8-6 11:54
jessicatsang
[size=3][color=blue][color=darkred]The doctor lives downstairs
[/color]
"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."
He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. [/color][/size]
[size=3][color=#0000ff][/color][/size]
[size=3][color=blue]First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. [/color][/size]
[size=3][color=#0000ff][/color][/size]
[size=3][color=blue]Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick.[/color][/size]
[size=3][color=#0000ff][/color][/size]
[size=3][color=blue] And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."[/color][/size]
医生住在楼下
“医生”她冲进屋后大声说道。
“我想让你坦率地说我到底得了什么病。”
他从头到脚打量打量她，然后大声说：“太太，我有三件事要对你说。第一，您的体重需要减少大约50磅；第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口红，您的美貌将会改变。第三，我是一位画家——医生住在楼下。”